I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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