So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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