every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
