After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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