My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
