I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
