You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
