just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she pinky promised me she was 18
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
