she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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