I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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