I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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