sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
