I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
