I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
