1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
