when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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