The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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