my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
