I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
