y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
