he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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