She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
