Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
