so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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