okay pat passed out under dana's car
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
