and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
