Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
