I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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