This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
