Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
