If i come over, it means nothing
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
