Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
