Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
