life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
