The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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