last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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