i wish my penis had a tongue
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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