your parents love me but you hate me
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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