i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
