totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
