I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
