wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
