i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
