I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
