this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
