Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
