this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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