No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
