my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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