dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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